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| 2008-10-07 15:38 |
| Chili |
| Public |
| work |
 okay |
| Garbage-stupid girl |
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so, there has been contact. the woman who interviewed me who runs the company called my headhunter and said she really liked me and wants to discuss me. What that means I'm not sure. either they want to set up another interview or maybe better. But that was hours ago and i haven't heard word. I'm going to drop the guy an email "checking in " give him my cell # again and tell him if he needs to he can call tonight. I just want to know what the next move is. I'm having grandiose visions of him negotiating a killer package on my behalf and i'll find an email with gold font dollar signs. Still, knowing she liked me is a huge thing because on the interview she said she was looking for someone who not only is qualified but someone she likes. so stay tuned.
Tonight i'm just heading home and cleaning up the apt. I'm going to walk from 33rd no matter how cold. skipped weigh in this week due to lack of funds and a pizza debacle so i'm hoping for a -2.3 next monday. we can only try. also i'm not going to use any flex points. we'll see and I really need to chill with the salt. I'm addicted.
This weekend i'm making a vegan chili dish in my slow cooker..most excited. I'll clean the apt nice cook that up and the place will smell like a real live home. I'm not going to freak out about the economy anymore. or my job. or this job hope. i'm going to make chili
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No word from that interview...I'm still hopeful. in the meantime things are most tense in the office. I have to CC her on everything. every email, i have to tell her about every conversation I must say "we" in all dialogue to show that she's involved. Tension is thick. Today she dictated emails to me that i'm sending out to the client which don't sound like me at all. I feel like i'm in a pressure cooker. really sick to my stomach. talk about impending doom.
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and I'm a little bit angry. All the AA platitudes have been pissing me off. when I hear about serenity and let go and let God I want to punch someone's face in. The truth is, it sucks being sober. It is insanely difficult. hell I want a drink right now. I just don't want to deal with life sometimes. it's a lot of work. It's hoping like hell you barely survive it's a boat load of bullshit, people are phony. I really do try hard and I don't feel like i'm getting anywhere. I care and other people don't give a fuck, like this bitch. I was up at 6am thinking about that client email. freaking out about my job and what my plans are..and she simply doesn't care. She won't write the check she owes him. hasn't done a damn thing to find out what he's upset about. I do all the day to day maintenance and work on this account all she has to do is keep her relationship with him good. AND SHE WONT! You can fold your business but how can someone be so irresponsible as to drag a hard working woman down with her? How can I not be angry? I really want to just scream. Then on top of it as if I'm not already in a rage she listens to RUSH all day and spews republican politics at me all day. I may just lose my mind. I try man. I fucking try and it's like I'm barely making it. I understand some people are luckier than others and glide a bit easier but Christ am I feeling sorry for myself. I just want to get REALLY INSANELY fucked up. And I know people will be angry I say that. Or that I want that." but your sobriety" and "you don't really feel that way" and "drinking will only make it worse." I don't care. I don't care about being sober, I don't care about things getting worse. I don't care about losing people I don't fucking care. But will I get fucked up? no. because I'm praying to whatever power there is that I got this job and I think if I drink God will think I'm not ready and not give it to me. Which is totally stupid and AA minded I've been brainwashed. brainwashed into thinking if you aren't sober you will be stuck. if you aren't sober life will suck. don't leave 5 min before the miracle. Oh. My. God. I am in a rage.
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Firefighters are the hottest motherfuckers on the face of the earth. period.
Never interview in the evening. people are tired. I was on time, dressed sharp engaging..I mentioned their products, their system I reffered to the owner ... my accomplishments, my goals I asked questions... I did the very best I could. The rest is out of my hands.
It's friday!
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As long as I have my health...everything will be fine. The client wrote a scathing email to boss lady accusing her of not being a part of the business and he needs to revisit their arrangement and perhaps he should fire her and hire me...I have that job interview today and i'm trying to not go into panic mode and appear desperate but man..I don't want to be here when shit hits the fan. I am completely stressed out about it. The worst that could possibly happen is that I Iose my job..scary yes..tragic no. I can waitress. I am so fucking stressed out. My work is being dissected. that would scare the most confident person and I ain't that person. I deal in millions and I will admit there are mistakes..i'm human. I'm real good at cleaning them up but when there is dusting under the rugs and cleaning of the closets, I'll have to face the music and dance. they are small matters but at this point with everything so fragile small matters become very big very quickly. I think i'm going to be sick. It's her own God damn fault but it is ME who is just a regular Joe, she will just go shopping at bergdoffs. I will be crazed trying to pay rent.. I need to get this job. No matter what happens I will be taken care of..like Jeanine says"God doesn't run out of money, you will be taken care of" There had better be a God.
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| 2008-09-30 10:16 |
| J |
| Public |
| work |
 worried |
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Bro seems to be in trouble again..He's stealing and cashing forged checks and getting into fist fights. I don't know how to help the kid. I think it's drugs but no one else does. My mom knows the signs and aside from appearing stoned he's not in that kind of touble. He told my sister he's depressed. He had another falling out with his girl. I think that woman is poison for him. women fall fast but man do men FALL. So, I'm thinking to invite him into the office tomorrow and have him do some filing for $60 he'll have to take the train but that's not a big deal. Give him a feeling of worth and a few bucks maybe try to see how he is. Thing is, I don't have the money. I was going to buy a blanket with the extra this week but he's more important than a blanket. stupid cat ruined mine. Speaking of which..she' going back to the vet this week. stomach Xrays or some such nonsense. Maybe I can find a blanket on sale. It's cold already at night and i'm sick. Where can i get a blanket...my mom if I can wait till the weekend. but admitting i'm that bad off would be tough. Especially if she finds out i'm giving money to jeff. he will earn it. OH I'll tell Jeff to bring the blanket tomorrow...called Jeff he said no.
alright plan B...get tickets to a sporting event whats on now..hockey? basketball?
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A certain repbulican. A certain wealthy Republican discussing the "depression" and future pink slips in America gleefully suggests this will be make for a greater America. Those with jobs will appreciate what they have and those let go are probably lazy and deserve it. Perhaps, after the lay off they will become better employees . We have been come a country of ingrates and lazy fat cats. This is the wake up America needed. People will work harder. the unproductive will be weeded out. Yes, this is what America needs. Unemployment and desperation. What of the more mature employee who expected to hang their hat into retirement? How when things come back, which they will, are they going to get back into their fields.? Age discrimination is rampet in industry. The paycheck to paycheck famiy..there are many. Yes, there are bad seeds in industry any industry but a depression a country wide layoff is not the answer isn't that like a work force cleansing.
Sick
Im getting the fuck out of here Rush is on.
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| 2008-09-26 11:06 |
| Dolls |
| Public |
| O |
 mischievous |
| Van the man |
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I got some pills for the weekend. Nothing fancy but a little something. I don't consider it falling off or abuse because I have been anxious. It's not booze it's not pot. although I will be snorting it. It's going to rain all weekend, I was planning on going to a recovery rally but not in the pouring rain. So, i'll be home or at a movie and I want a little mellow. Wish I had someone to hold hostage in my bed for the weekend..a certain someone in particular.
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So sad...a bus driver hit the elephant. I LOVE elephants they are so cute they have little tails. and they hold each others when they walk. He closed his eyes..my mom gave me a musical elephant when I was 7. It was brass and wood with ivory tusks and sang "born free" "born free as free as the mountains as free as the ocean..." I still have it. But it's ears and nose and tusks broke off. Probably my prized possession.
MEXICO CITY -- A five-ton elephant escaped from a circus and wandered onto a busy highway, where it was hit by a bus. Both the driver and pachyderm were killed early Tuesday. Bus driver Tomas Lopez, 49, was killed and at least four passengers were hospitalized after the pre-dawn collision in Ecatepec, just north of Mexico City. State police spokesman Juan Sanchez said the elephant escaped from its cage at the Circo Union, but he declined to give any other details. He said officials were investigating. The state-funded Notimex news agency reported that the elephant named Indra escaped as its keeper arrived to feed it, knocking down a metal door and wandering through two neighborhoods before trying to cross the highway.
Grrr the company canceled my interview today for next Wednesday. But I can't because she's out for the high holiday. Bullshit. I offered them thursday or friday of next week. We'll see. I swear i was "on" today. Looking pretty spiffy too. It's a cold overcast day and we are expecting rain so maybe next week will be better weather.
it would have been nice to get out of here early..but i'll stick it out for the day
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wow i'm getting overwhelmed. Finances are not good. at all. I'm just breaking even. There just isnt any money for anything. I can't even send my friend the Fed ex Ive been wanting to. Money the mood changer. Luckily i'm not drinking or else I would never make rent. I don't understand how it goes up every single year. I can't afford the difference of a two year lease and i'm always thinking surely this year, someone is going to sweep me off my feet and save me from that neighborhood but no one ever does. I fucked up my credit enough where I don't have any. I just don't know how to get ahead. Then the city is broke and there will be layoffs cops/firemen/teachers/libarians. So it's not just me suffering and scared. It's just that it's my own two feet. I don't mind being broke. I'm not that kind of woman. I would like $1000 shoes and louie V bags but I don't have it and thats okay. I just want someone to bear the burden with. Just someone to say "we'll be alright".
Tomorrow I have an interview in Westchester...fingers crossed it's a fit.
Dinner with Grace tonight she's already pressuring me to drink. She wants champagne and that doesn't come by the glass. I said" no" and she said "just have one glass" I explained I can't stop at one and she said she'll make sure I do. sigh. Deep breath Sharkie..we'll be alright.
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Weigh in: -1.4
Not bad considering I had two business lunches and was too sick to use the bastard machine.Which I figured out why I can only use it for 3 minutes at a time. It's too fast. it's like at over 10 MPH. I am basically running. not even jogging.
Slow but sure I will get to a -15 and then you know what I'm going to do??? I'm going to have sex. With a person. in just 12 small pounds.
Things are alright, i'm a little down. The cat is still sick I can't afford to fix it and it's going to cost over $200 to put her down. and they have to deem it time. my hands are tied for two weeks either way. I'm just cleaning after her like a maniac but it's draining.
Gotta call a man about a job. I'm not too interested it's in Westchester but hey...i'll give it a shot.
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What a bunch of bullshit.
This job I sent my resume to sent a standard letter with like 11 questions
) Describe your negotiating style in depth.
2) Describe three different tools that you use to negotiate favorable media pricing.
3) Describe your top three negotiating accomplishments.
4) Describe how you would get a low price while buying a TV from Best Buy.
5) Describe how you would get reservations at a top restaurant on Valentine's Day when they are completely booked.
6) Do you consider yourself a sales person? If yes, describe.
7) Which best describes your style:
A) Strong relationship building skills resulting in lower media pricing.
B) Tough no non-sense attitude, resulting in lower media pricing. C) Strong attitude, take it or leave it style resulting in lower media pricing.
8) On a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, how would you rate your negotiating abilities?
9) On a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, how would you rate your analytical skills?
10) On a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, how would you rate your organizational skills?
11) On a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, how would you rate your detail oriented skills?
Ummm. fuck you. Not even a hello. Not an introduction. just do all this work and perhaps we will bless you with an interview. I don't mind the work. it's just so impersonal. I don't even know who this is going to. To ask my style of negotiation randomly takes a lot of nerve. How do I know this isn't some person trying to learn the business through my answers.
I don't understand. But i'm going to do it just because it is questions that are often asked in interviews anyhow.
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I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.
I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.??
But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.
I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.
Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."??
Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.??
She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.??
Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.??
Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.??
Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.??
I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.
If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill." I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.??
Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?
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Alright. It's time to get honest about a few truths.
1. I'm not finding work
2. My rent went up, I'm having trouble making ends meet
3. She will not offer me a raise
so, I have to ask. I have never asked for a raise before. I have a hard time with "no" it humiliates me for some reason but I need to get thicker skin and facing these things will empower me. either that or make me cry.
I want to the following
1. an absolute on my vacation time-now it's take it if you need it.
2. same with sick days
3. a definitive percent raise. what is the standard? 5%?3%?
4. I am going to request the week after Thanksgiving off and I'm taking it. I'm fucked going to Idaho for the holiday so I'm going to enjoy myself the next week.
Now, I don't want to strong arm her. Business is not good but I am paid well below industry standard and at this point she's just taking advantage of me. Plus, I haven't been able to take decent time off because she doesn't know how to use a computer. Truth is, she needs me. So, she will pay me. I just have to ask.
"don't ask. Don't get."
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alanon people are such a bunch of fucking assholes. "I'm bitchy and moody because of HIS/HERS drinking. I lost all my coping mechanisms because of HIS/HER drinking". Must be nice to have someone to blame all your shit on. I know I'm being narrow minded and thats not what the program is about but alcoholics are not to blame for all of these peoples dysfunction.
This week is wine week in the city. Thursday I have lunch plans at Smith and Wollensky. Nobody even goes back to work after. I accepted the invitation for the sole purpose of networking but buyers are mostly women and women are bitchy and I really don't know how to network. I'm going to prepare this week. OH NO! Weigh in is on Thursday.... I guess I'll go Friday or should I go Wednesday? Sometimes I really think I am a headcase. I'm obsessed with this campaign WW has to donate food based on our weight loss. A woman obsessed. which will lead to my ultimate demise. I do it all the time. Easy does it. I can't force my body to shed pounds because I have a six week deadline. I'm doing my best and that's enough.
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Circuit court judge rules against gay adoption ban
KEY WEST, Fla. — A circuit court judge has ruled
unconstitutional Florida's 31-year-old gay adoption ban, one of only two such statewide bans in the country.
The Monroe County judge's ruling allows a gay foster parent here to adopt a teenage boy he has raised since 2001, but does not mean there will be any statewide change in policy.
Circuit judges in Florida have twice before found the statute unconstitutional, both in 1991, though both challenges stalled. A case in Miami expected to be heard next month could also challenge the law.
Mississippi is the only other state to forbid gays from adopting.
The case here in gay-friendly Key West involves a 13-year-old boy with learning disabilities and special needs and his 52-year-old foster father, neither of whom are identified in court filings. A home study by a social worker highly recommended the guardian and his partner be allowed to adopt the boy.
Judge David J. Audlin Jr. wrote in his ruling, which has not yet been formally published, that the Florida law forbidding gay people from adopting children is contrary to the state Constitution because it singles out a group for punishment.
"Contrary to every child welfare principle," Audlin wrote, "the gay adoption ban operates as a conclusive or irrebuttable presumption that ... it is never in the best interest of any adoptee to be adopted by a homosexual."
A spokeswoman for Attorney General Bill McCollum declined to comment on the ruling. McCollum's office did not get involved in the case because the teen was no longer under Department of Children and Families custody.
Michael Allen, a constitutional law professor at Stetson University in St. Petersburg, said while the ruling came from just one judge in Key West, a number of similar rulings could begin to chip away at state law.
"Cracks begin to develop in legal doctrine," he said. "Even if it has no effect as precedent and it is not repeated someplace else, it's a crack. If you get enough cracks, things break."
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I got totally harassed on my way to the office this morning. This guy, I think he was cracked out, asked me for money I said "sorry" and kept walking he followed VERY close behind. I knew exactly what was coming next... "Damn, look at that fat ass. I want to fuck that ass suck my dick" all of them. He followed me until the street crossing. Maybe in his drug state he was afraid to cross the street. I'll have to go down the other side of the street now which means I need a new sandwich spot. he's there often but this is the first time he was like HIGH. Vulgar motherfucker. He was so close to me..ewwww. I just kept walking. I'm not going to let it bother me anymore but I hope he does worse than OD's I hope he is unable to cope his drugs for a week and sits in the gutter sick as a dog wishing for death and just when he is almost willing to get help he gets thrown a $5 and hits the shit again. then OD's.
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Bored out of my head. The desk is VERY quiet will be for about the next month. No jobs called this week. ::shrug:: I'll just keep at it. Something will give. Sticking to WW. last week i gained half a pound but this week I actually followed the program, tomorrow I go to weigh in. I'm hoping for a -1.8. We'll see. The freak in me wants to take diuretics and laxatives all day so I will have a huge number lost on my card but Thais just insane. Patience grasshopper. I go walking and do that bastard machine. tonight I will do 4 solid minutes. I'm going to see Luc Saturday morning. I miss him so much. so fucking much. I think about him every day. I just couldn't stand visiting, it hurt but I miss him too much. All the bullshit he pulled is long gone. I miss our friendship. We loved each other and seeked each other out. He was a part of my everyday. I would go to lunch and bump into him in the street. I would be home and bump into him in the hood. I miss his voice. and his drunk texts. I miss his apt. sometimes I walk through it in my mind. Such ease. Cook for us, clean up, wear his pjs. I didn't realize. It was about this time last year when he got sick. Anyway, I haven't seen him in three months. I hope there is a marked improvement and I really hope he remembers me. But then too he was a jerk. lied to me and put me at risk and just being a general jackass. I just wished he would get back to normal so i can tell him off. He deserves it, trust me. But like family, I still love him
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stressed
angry
accomplished
disappointed
aggravated
good
impressed
bored